I know you have been waiting in utter anticipation for the number one blog of the year. Well, here it is and you might have guess it's potty jokes. People love potty jokes. This will be my last blog for 2011. Have a happy and safe new year. Look for me in 2012!

It sits in the darkness, waiting for its next victim. Someone walks into the room and the fluorescent lights flicker on as he enters. He takes several steps, opens the door to the stall and walks up to the automatic flushing toilet. The toilet laughs maniacally as the patron takes his position on the porcelain throne. The next victim has landed and soon he will regret his encounter with the automatic flushing toilet. 

I’m sure you have had an encounter with this menace. If not, count yourself blessed my friend. There is one particular toilet whose memories haunt me to this day. This toilet is located in a restaurant known as Chevy’s in Fairview Heights, IL. It’s a great place to eat and I really like the food and the service. The one thing I don’t like is the toilet. I’m not certain why, but my love for the food stops at my taste buds. For some reason, my internal organs have a disdain for the succulent cuisine and they seek to torture me partaking of it. Due to this war taking place within my bowels, I am beckoned to visit the room of torture known as the bathroom. 

Now, the restroom, aka el baño, is a nice place but it is also one of the first places I ever came cheek to seat with the automatic flush toilet. The automatic flush toilet sounds like a great thing. It flushes so you don’t need to. I am sure some janitor who cleaned men’s restrooms invented them. You see, many men are too macho to reach and push the handle to flush the toilet. My theory has always been, ‘if you’re too macho to reach for the handle, kick it instead.’ It seems like a simple solution that you use your feet if you don’t want to touch the handle. I have never been certain why so many men don’t flush the toilet since they also don’t wash their hands. It definitely can’t be because of hygiene. 

The automatic flush toilet is not a great invention, however. My theory is that it was invented by a janitor not so the toilet would always be flushed, but as revenge against all the men who never flush the toilet. Remember el baño at Chevy’s? Anyway, I would sit on the toilet doing my business and would always get to a place when I am committed to completing my task. At that moment, the toilet would strike. I had not done anything to harm the toilet, but just like a snake it would strike me with its venom. For no sane reason, it would decide to flush. Now, I’m not against a good old courtesy flush, but the automatic flush toilets are always high powered toilets as well. It takes .0000005 seconds for them to flush down all of their contents and replace the bowl with clean water. In the process, however, they suck your derriere firmly to the seat and then drown it in toilet water. It’s kind of like a toilet/bidet combo.  I’m not really into the whole bidet thing though, especially when it’s the same instrument in which I just dropped a load. Even though I did not want that experience, it would give it to me just the same. After realizing the extent of torment I had endured, it would proceed to flush a couple more times before I could complete my task.  During that first visit, I got to where I would hear it start to flush and I would immediately stand, which is also not a good thing to do when sitting on the toilet. 

Over time, I did find a way to defeat the toilet monster. Today, whenever I encounter an automatic flushing toilet, I immediately reach for the toilet paper and withdraw two sheets. I cover the evil electric eye with those two sheets of toilet paper and the menace can no longer see me. When I finish, I remove the toilet paper and upon seeing me, the rapscallion flushes in anger and I smile because I know I won.

Have you ever experienced a horrifying encounter with an automatic toilet, sink, paper towel dispenser or light? If so, I would love to hear about it. Just keep your comments G rated. Thanks. - Tim

BTW- If you look closely at the toilet in the picture, it has an eye.