Funny Friday - Underwear Drawer Personality Test


There are many different personality tests one can take these days. Myers-Briggs, Five-Factor, Color Matrix and the Animal test are all  methods for discovering what type of person you are. One thing about these tests is that they can be very complicated and ask a variety of questions. Some even require an instructor. They can also be quite expensive to take. I have decided to develop a personality test of my own and base it on only one criterion and offer it for free right here. I believe that we can determine our personality based on how we maintain our underwear drawers. I guess you could say it all comes down to how we put our drawers in our drawers. Please read the following list and see where you fit in. If you feel comfortable doing so, please comment.

 First, you need to go look at your underwear drawer and see how  you have it arranged.


1. Someone else puts your underwear away for you: (Lazy Bum)-You are lazy and have no motivation in life. You sit around the house  eating Pop Tarts and playing Battlefield all day. You demand service from others but never offer to help when someone needs your assistance. 

2. You fold your underwear and put them neatly into your drawer: (Faithful) -You are neat and organized. You always plan ahead and are never latefor an appointment. Others can always rely on you to fulfill your commitments.You are a reliable person.

3. You fold your underwear and organize them by type and color:(Uptight) - You are a perfectionist in everything you do. You expect life to
always go your way and you get upset whenever things are out of order. You also want to be in control of everything and feel that everyone else is wrong when they disagree with your opinion.

4. You wad up your underwear and stuff in your drawer without paying any attention to how it goes in: (Free Spirit) - You are spontaneous and live life on the edge. You don’t take time to worry about the small things because you are too focused on having fun. People love being around you because you are the life of the party. You are also somewhat unorganized and unreliable. You usually arrive on time or a couple minutes late.

5. Your underwear never makes it from the laundry basket to the drawer: (Overcommitted) -You never say no to anything. You spend all of your time at work or doing some type of activity and are almost never home. You may be an organized person, but just don’t have the time to fold your underwear. You have so many balls in the air, you are sure to drop some and your underwear are often one of the casualties of your lifestyle.

6. You don’t wear underwear: (Weirdo) -No explanation needed.

 7. You don’t wash your underwear: (Outcast) - No one wants to spend time with you because you stink. You need to go to the store, buy new underwear, throw your current underwear in an incinerator and learn the definition of soap and water.


This personality test was not formulated by a group of psychologists, the result of years of study or based on scientific evidence. I just made it up over the last fifteen minutes, so it’s very accurate.

I need to go and fold my underwear. By the way, I am an Overcommitted Free Spirit. What are you?

Tim

No, this posting is not about the popular television show, but it is about friends.

Until Thanksgiving, my Thursday postings will have a theme; each Thursday will list something for which I am thankful. I am blessed to have many friends. Throughout my life, there have been defining moments when a friendship was needed and someone showed up to fill that void in my life. There are many people who have impacted my life and yet have no idea. There are so many, actually, that I can’t name them all in one short blog. I do, however, want to highlight a couple of those defining moments.

The first person I want to thank will have no clue why his name is in this posting. I am certain he has no idea that he had a profound impact on my life, but he did. When I was in the fourth grade, my parents moved and I changed schools. I had left a school from which I was highly popular. My old school was very small and hardly had transfer students, so we quickly befriended any that came. My new school, however, was much different. I was blindsided when I found out how horrific it can be to become the ‘new kid.’ Initially, I was bullied. I was not familiar with bullying, especially from the receiving end, but I quickly learned its meaning. In the mist of this trying time, one person reached out to me and made a significant impact in my life. His name is Chad Drummond. If memory serves me correct, the day Chad impacted my life, he was wearing a white t-shirt and black vinyl jacket. I will always remember him as Fonzie and myself as Richie Cunningham. He offered me an o-ring he had received from his father who worked in a factory. He gave it to me as a sign of friendship. Whether right or wrong, I viewed Chad as a tough guy; I was exuberant that he offered me friendship.  I’m not sure if it was because Chad was my friend or I had more self confidence, but the bullying diminished. Thank you Chad, you have no idea how much your kindness affected my life. While I attended Puryear, I did develop some good friendships. Two of my best friends in school where Shane Cooper and Corey James. I am also thankful they reached out to me. I developed other friendships in my years at Puryear and I thank everyone who befriended the quiet, shy kid named Timmy McSwain.

Another very important friend in my life is Robby George.  I didn’t meet Robby until I had graduated from high school, but we quickly connected. How we connected was very strange, however. We were both persuing a girl at a church youth camp. Honestly, that is why most guys go to youth camp, to pursue girls, but that is a subject for another blog. We both liked a girl named Kelly (the last name has been left out to protect the innocent).  Robby and I essentially started out as enemies, but Kelly was a popular girl who had several guys interested in her. We joined forces to try to weed out the competition together, each with plans to annihilate the other at the end. What ended up happening was that neither of us got the girl, but we each got a new best friend.  Ever since that day, I have considered Robby as one of my closest friends. We only see each other about every other year, but when we are together, it is like we have never been apart. Again, this friendship came at a critical point in my life, when I really needed someone. Robby has been a great friend and to this day, I can call him when in need. Thank you Robby!

I have a compendium of names yet to mention. I will continue this list next Thursday. In the meantime, I want to give a shout out to David French, Les Madden, Zach Davis, Josh Maddox, Kayla Maddox Mayfield, Ginger Walker-French, Cheri Winters-Hayes, Jason Shaw, Justin Shaw, Jordon Shaw, Sammy Smith, Barkey and Crystal Bryant, Jaynee Victory-Marsh, Anne Victory-Sebghati, Sean Byrd, Alissa Rausch Sanderson, Angela Lovelace Russell, Jonathan James, H.L. Hussmann, Paul and Becky Lile, Scott Nanney, Ryan and Kathleen Brooks, Mark Randall, Joel and Amanda Youngblood, Stephen and Jamie Follis, Jason and Terah Keim, Todd Larson, Kyle and Paige Fuqua, Keith Shew, Courtney Hill, Steve and Darla McKeown , my beautiful wife Julie and the many friends I have from Big Sandy Elementary School, Puryear Middle School, Henry County High School, Murray State University, COGOP, Camp Hickory Hills, Youth America, Christian Life Center and all the places I have been employed. I am thankful for you all!!

Disclaimer: Whenever you write a thank you and mention people by name, you inevitably leave someone out. There are many people whom I have not listed. That does not mean you did not impact my life. I just ran out of time and room. =) I will be continuing this post next Thursday, so stay tuned.

Tim

For those who don’t know, there is a presidential election next year. Recently, there has been much discussion on where candidates stand concerning illegal aliens. Candidate, Herman Cain, purportedly stated he would build an electric fence to keep out the aliens. He also later recanted and stated he was joking about electrocuting the aliens.  All of the candidates have painstakingly stated their position, some more strict than others. While I see this as an important issue, I’m not so certain it should be one of the main issues. There has been a decrease in the number of crop circles sighted over the last decade. Furthermore, we have had little contact with aliens to be able to define how many truly want to immigrate to our world, not to mention the United States in particular. Based on my research, it seems the aliens are far more interested in the United Kingdom than the United States. I don’t know if we even have any laws on the books that define if aliens can legally immigrate to the USA. It seems that if we had extraterrestrial visitors, we would at least give them a chance to become legal citizens. In addition, for them to reach our planet would make one assume they have greater technological advances. They may be far superior in intellect and could be offended that we want to build fences to keep them out. I’m not sure fences, whether electrified or not, will make a difference since they will be coming from outer space in aircraft. I think the candidates need to leave the aliens alone and focus more on what they are going to do the people who legally live in the United States. We are at a time of crisis and need to get our heads out of the sky. That’s my two cents. – Tim

I don’t get up until 10:00 a.m. and when I do I climb into my Ferrari and drive around for a couple hours. I then go to the beach and swim for awhile and spend my afternoons working as a private detective. I carry a cool gun; ride around in an awesome car and always save the day. Back when I was a kid watching Magnum P.I., this was the type of life I envisioned for myself as an adult. My life is nothing like that of Thomas Magnum, however. It’s much different.

In reality, I don’t get to sleep late.  Instead, I get to enjoy many cold, dark mornings because I get up at 5:45 a.m. to come to work. God invented the sun for a reason. Yes, I know that it is vital for life on earth, but I have an even deeper theory as to why it exists. The sun’s job is to tell us when it is time to wake up. Rising before the sun is just wrong, yet I do it most of the year.

I also drive to work in a 1993 Pontiac Bonneville. It’s actually a very reliable car, but it’s not a Ferrari. I would rather be driving a Ferrari, Porsche or even a Camaro, but I don’t. I also don’t drive to the beach. I drive 30 minutes to work at a hospital that is nowhere near a beach, unless the Big Muddy River has recently flooded. I also don’t live in Hawaii, the perpetual land of sunshine and fun. I live in Illinois, the perpetual land of darkness and dread.  I almost never swim because I don’t have time and summer is always too short.  Finally, I don’t work as a private detective; instead I manage volunteers at a hospital.

Life is almost never what we envision as kids. We may fantasize about castles in far away countries or going to the moon, but life is usually different. (Please don’t confuse what I am about to say with giving up on your dream. I am pursuing my dream and believe we all can. What I am writing about today is how our perspective changes when we grow up.)

I want to be Tim McSwain, not Thomas Magnum. Here are some more comparisons: Magnum was alone. Sure, he had Higgins, Rick and T.C. but he had no one to share his life with.  I am married to a gorgeous, wonderful woman and get to experience joy and companionship. Also, I have two beautiful children that I continually thank God for. I am truly blessed to be a husband and father and consider them two of the greatest roles in life. Furthermore, I do live in Illinois, but I live in the best part of the state. Where I live we have lakes, caves, forests, rolling hillsides, changing seasons and snow. You don’t get snow in Hawaii. I don’t drive a Ferrari, but my car has a back seat and four doors, so I can take trips with my family and enjoy vacations with them.  I work in a hospital where I actually get to be a part of saving people’s lives. It’s a pretty awesome experience.

Here’s my point, life is what we make of it. We can spend our days lamenting about all the things we are not doing or we can spend them being thankful for all the things we get to do.  I love the life I live and anticipate the years to come. Truly, I am thankful. Are you?
 - Tim

It sits in the darkness, waiting for its next victim. Someone walks into the room and the fluorescent lights flicker on as he enters. He takes several steps, opens the door to the stall and walks up to the automatic flushing toilet. The toilet laughs maniacally as the patron takes his position on the porcelain throne. The next victim has landed and soon he will regret his encounter with the automatic flushing toilet.

I’m sure you have had an encounter with this menace. If not, count yourself blessed my friend. There is one particular toilet whose memories haunt me to this day. This toilet is located in a restaurant known as Chevy’s in Fairview Heights, IL. It’s a great place to eat and I really like the food and the service. The one thing I don’t like is the toilet. I’m not certain why, but my love for the food stops at my taste buds. For some reason, my internal organs have a disdain for the succulent cuisine and they seek to torture me partaking of it. Due to this war taking place within my bowels, I am beckoned to visit the room of torture known as the bathroom.

Now, the restroom, aka el baño, is a nice place but it is also one of the first places I ever came cheek to seat with the automatic flush toilet. The automatic flush toilet sounds like a great thing. It flushes so you don’t need to. I am sure some janitor who cleaned men’s restrooms invented them. You see, many men are too macho to reach and push the handle to flush the toilet. My theory has always been, ‘if you’re too macho to reach for the handle, kick it instead.’ It seems like a simple solution that you use your feet if you don’t want to touch the handle. I have never been certain why so many men don’t flush the toilet since they also don’t wash their hands. It definitely can’t be because of hygiene.

The automatic flush toilet is not a great invention, however. My theory is that it was invented by a janitor not so the toilet would always be flushed, but as revenge against all the men who never flush the toilet. Remember el baño at Chevy’s? Anyway, I would sit on the toilet doing my business and would always get to a place when I am committed to completing my task. At that moment, the toilet would strike. I had not done anything to harm the toilet, but just like a snake it would strike me with its venom. For no sane reason, it would decide to flush. Now, I’m not against a good old courtesy flush, but the automatic flush toilets are always high powered toilets as well. It takes .0000005 seconds for them to flush down all of their contents and replace the bowl with clean water. In the process, however, they suck your derriere firmly to the seat and then drown it in toilet water. It’s kind of like a toilet/bidet combo.  I’m not really into the whole bidet thing though, especially when it’s the same instrument in which I just dropped a load. Even though I did not want that experience, it would give it to me just the same. After realizing the extent of torment I had endured, it would proceed to flush a couple more times before I could complete my task.  During that first visit, I got to where I would hear it start to flush and I would immediately stand, which is also not a good thing to do when sitting on the toilet.

Over time, I did find a way to defeat the toilet monster. Today, whenever I encounter an automatic flushing toilet, I immediately reach for the toilet paper and withdraw two sheets. I cover the evil electric eye with those two sheets of toilet paper and the menace can no longer see me. When I finish, I remove the toilet paper and upon seeing me, the rapscallion flushes in anger and I smile because I know I won.

Have you ever experienced a horrifying encounter with an automatic toilet, sink, paper towel dispenser or light? If so, I would love to hear about it. Just keep your comments G rated. Thanks. - Tim

BTW- If you look closely at the toilet in the picture, it has an eye.

When it comes to sports, you would have a difficult time finding anyone more disconnected than me. I admit it, I am a male and I don’t really care about professional sports. If you and I got into a conversation about professional sports, you would quickly learn that I don’t even know much of the lingo. It would not be long before I started wondering if we were discussing football, baseball, hockey, or basketball. I will get confused by terms like goal, quarter/inning, flag on the play, etc.  I am surrounded by people who are sports fanatics. Because of my association with them, I do know a few things. For instance, I know the St. Louis Cardinals play baseball and are currently playing in something known as the World Series.  I have concluded that this is a big deal. Where I live, people generally root for the Cardinals or the Chicago Cubs.( I don’t know too much, but I do know the Cubs stink at baseball, so I’m not sure why people root for them, but they do. ) Anyway, if you side with one team over the other, you have made friends and enemies. Just picking a team gives you an identity.

I hope the Cardinals win the World Series, it’s not because I care - I honestly don’t. I just hope they win because everyone around me will be happy and I like being around happy people.  Everyone except the Cubs fans, that is; they are never happy. Anyway, I digress… back to my main point…what was it again? Oh yeah, we connect with people to whom we identify with.

Cardinals fans flock together and Cubs fans come together to watch the Cardinals fans have fun. I find it humorous how something as simple as a sport or television show can bring people together. If I mention LOST, some people will automatically identify with me and we can talk about how disappointed we were in the shows ending and how we all thought Jack and Kate should have lived happily ever after on the island. Jack or Sawyer, Jacob or Edward, Republican or Democrat… Just in reading those lines, you picked a group. Some of you may not understand all three references, but you picked a group from the ones you did. If you did understand all three references, buy yourself a chocolate chip cookie.

One show, movie or political stand connects us to others. Deep down, we are all looking for community. We want to make friends. We look to sports, television, food, etc. to find people who share common interests. Although there is nothing wrong with that, I find my best friends are those with whom I share a common faith. I am thankful that I have a relationship with Jesus Christ, but I am also thankful that because of my faith in God, I have a relationship with close friends. I have people that I can do more than just talk about sports or television with. I have people I can talk to about life. One of the greatest experiences I have in life is getting to live it with my friends.

Do you have friends you can trust? Are you a Cardinals fan or a Rangers fan?

PS. I didn’t even know there was a team called the Rangers until this week. That’s how dense I am when it comes to sports. After this week, there will no longer be a team called the Rangers because they will hang their heads in shame after the Cardinals pulverize them. See, I can talk smack even though I don’t know what I am saying. Have a great week. - Tim

1.      Long knives extending from hands – check

2.      Inability to die – check

3.      Daunting countenance – check

4.      Poor grooming habits – check

Have you ever stopped and thought about Wolverine and Freddy Krueger at the same time? I have, mainly because they both have the same aesthetician.  (That’s the guy who does their manicures) When you stop to ponder upon such things, your mind always develops the same question, ‘who would win if they were to fight?’ Let’s forget the whole dream reality sequence and just put the two of them in a good old WWWWWWW whatever smack down.  

First, we must look at the claws. Freddy has four on one hand while Wolverine has three on each hand.  Freddy’s are made of steel and need to be sharpened. Wolverine’s claws are made of Adamantium, which is indestructible and never needs sharpening.

Second, look at the character they each possess. Freddy’s a wimp who uses fear to disarm his prey. Wolverine is a superhero who is always willing to fight.

I think Wolverine would win, hands down or uh claws down as the case may be. What do you think?

PS: Wednesday is not a normal blog day and this is not a normal blog – just a random idea running through my mind. Also, I honestly don’t watch the Nightmare on Elm Street movies, I prefer Sesame Street. - Tim

Outside of my car, everything was enveloped in a cover of darkness. Rain cascaded from the sky and drowned my windshield. The windshield wipers squeaked as they slapped the water to the edges of the car. Typically, I wear contacts but this morning I had decided to wear glasses, which only added to my other visual impairments.  My instrument panel was lit in a bright red and orange. I noticed my speed, 48 miles per hour. “Why am I driving so slowly?” I thought to myself. I slightly pressed on the gas, edging the needle to the large 55 maker.  I returned my attention to the road and relaxed my foot, slowing back to a 50 mph speed. I wasn’t sure why, but I felt safer at the slower pace. As I approached the upcoming curve, I noticed two car headlights streaming through the darkness. It wasn’t until I was halfway through the curve that I noticed one of the cars was in my lane. The dimwit driver thought it would be a good idea to pass another car in absolute darkness, pouring rain and on a curve. Due to my delay in seeing the location of the oncoming vehicle, I had no time to react. He managed to edge his car in front of the other car at the last second. If things had happened differently, I would not be sitting here writing my blog right now. Thankfully, I am.

Had I been travelling at the desired speed of 55 mph, the other car would not have been able to traverse from one lane to the other in time. It is almost inevitable that we would have collided. The road was very wet and if any of us had locked our brakes, all three cars could have collided. Thankfully, neither of those scenarios played out.

Life is full of avoided accidents. They do not always involve cars and dimwit drivers, but accidents are avoided all the time. Sadly, we don’t avoid every accident. Sometimes we travel at 55 or 60 mph and have head-on collisions. We make decisions all the time, some good and some bad. Some are on instinct, like my slowing to 50. Honestly, I just didn’t feel safe at 55. It could have been common sense due to all the elemental disruptions, but it was more than that. I honestly believe God was warning me of the approaching predicament and subconsciously urging me to slow my car. You can choose to agree or not, but I was there and know the thoughts that were going through my mind.  God warned me, I heeded his warning and I am now writing about it.

Some accidents in life are caused when we don’t listen to the fire alarms sounding in our heads. We ignore them because we are more concerned with our wants and desires. A man or woman who has an affair does not typically wake up one day and say, “today is a good day to have an affair.” There is usually some subtle thing that happens first. He may decide to fool around with pornography, thinking it doesn’t hurt anyone. He doesn’t listen to the warning signals and becomes addicted. Before long, his wife no longer satisfies him and he wakes up one morning in another woman’s arms.  Another scenario could involve a wife who meets a man at work that listens to her better than her husband does. She and her coworker seem to have a ‘spark’ or ‘chemistry.’  She spends an increasing amount of time with him and begins meeting him outside of work. She wakes up one morning next to him instead of her husband and wonders how she got there. She avoided the early warning signals and ended up train wrecking her marriage.  I have dealt with the early warning signals in both of these scenarios. Thankfully, I did listen and made the necessary decisions to keep my marriage on track and avoid a train wreck. The woman I wake up next is my wife and I would have it no other way. I love her deeply and knew that making the wrong decisions early on could cause disaster.

This is only one of many ‘accidents’ we can have in life. You may be tempted to cheat on a test, take some money from petty cash at work, lie on your resume, short change a customer and keep the difference, or a variety of other choices. Often, we have early warning signals when making these small decisions.  If we heed those signals, we avoid an accident. If we ignore them, we typically have a head-on collision with a dimwit driver.  I encourage you to listen. You may be at a point in life where you are required to make a decision. It may seem like a little thing, but could one day snowball into an avalanche. Make the right decision. If you don’t know what the right decision is or you don’t think you can do it on your own, seek counsel or find someone you can talk to. I have a friend I talk to when I need encouragement. Having that friend in your life can be vital. One word of caution: if you are dealing with the situation listed above, don’t go to the ‘friend’ you are attracted to for counsel; that will definitely aide you in making the wrong decision.

Join me and do your best to avoid an accident. - Tim

It’s time for the first official ‘Funny Friday’ posting. Enjoy.

The youth pastor at our church is currently transitioning out of the position. He is a close friend who has done well at building up the youth ministry. I have also served in that capacity twice, totaling over six years. Having worked youth ministry in some capacity since I was 18, I am well versed in the qualifications of youth ministry. Here is what it takes to succeed.

1.       Patience: You will be tested. I’m convinced there was one test God did not give Job because he was sure Job would fail – leading a group of teenagers. They will make fun of you, call you names, throw things at you, destroy your stuff, hit you, and refuse to listen to you when you talk. Leading a group of teenagers is akin to leading a pack of hyenas.  If you don’t have patience beforehand, you will develop patience or be devoured in the process.

2.       High Self Esteem: Unlike patience, if you don’t have high self esteem, leading youth will not help you develop it.  You may begin youth ministry thinking you are the coolest person in the world. You will quickly learn otherwise. You can be twenty-one and they will still call you old and archaic. Your terminology is dated and you have no grasp on current trends. You may think you do, but once you enter the world of youth ministry, you will discover how wrong you are. Youth ministry is not a place to gain popularity and fame, so if that’s your goal, write blogs about it instead.

3.       Vision for the Future: You must have a vision or where the youth ministry will be in five or ten years. Chances are this vision will never come to fruition, but it is imperative that you have one. With a vision, you have something to look forward do as pull out your hair in desperation based upon the current situation.  “Things aren’t so great right now, but in five years we will all be dancing in a field of beautiful flowers and singing the theme to The Sound of Music.” (By the way – don’t expect any of your youth to know what The Sound of Music is.)

4.       Know How to Drive a Bus or Large Van: A youth pastor often wears many hats in the church. Since no one else is willing to put up with a group of teenagers on a 12 hour road trip, the youth pastor must get a license to drive a large vehicle. This vehicle often ends up being the church bus. Once you have this license, expect to become the official driver for all church functions.

5.       Function Well for Days with No Sleep: Sleep is overrated.  You will spend 36 hours on the road driving to lead a two week mission trip and another 36 driving back; two days after arriving home, you will take the youth to a week long summer camp located 12 hours away and you will not sleep the entire time you are on either trip because everyone will be up all night talking, having pillow fights and laughing at the all the things one can do with a laser pointer. In addition, you will lead multiple all night lock-ins and lock-outs, retreats, and various other events. Always expect one student or parent to have an emergency at 2:00 a.m. Emergencies never happen in the daytime, they always happen in the middle of the nights. You must be able to conduct your job without sleeping to survive.

6.       Don’t Expect Gratitude: No matter how much work you put into youth ministry, don’t expect to hear a single “thank you.” Every time you stop to listen for it, you will only hear crickets chirping. The youth will quickly let you know how much they disagree with you on hard decisions that will make their lives better in the future. Don’t expect them to come to you as adults and thank you. This happens very rarely. Don’t expect applause.

7.       Be Responsible: Whether or not you are responsible for something that went wrong, you are responsible. Almost everything that goes wrong in the church will be blamed on the youth. Ultimately, it’s your fault.  Don’t even try to pass the blame or give an excuse because this is not your role. Your role is to apologize and make things right.  Here is a scenario: Deacon Smith comes to you and says, “I know you and those banshees in the youth group had one of those unholy lock-ins in the church last night and broke some expensive garnishing. I’m telling Pastor Jones and expect it to be paid from your budget.” In reality, the youth lock-in was three weeks ago and the group cleaned the entire church during the lock-in for which you were never thanked. Last night, there was a leadership meeting and Deacon Smith accidently bumped into an old, outdated artificial plant by the front door and broke off one of the stems.  Your reply, “I am so sorry that happened. I will talk with Pastor Jones and make things right.” Learn this and you will go far.

If you read this list and still want to be in youth ministry, may God help you because it must truly be a calling. 

Disclaimer: This is satire, hence “Funny Friday.” Being satire, I blew things out of proportion. The concepts however are true. Youth ministry is a difficult job, but as I stated earlier, I have chosen to be involved in one capacity or another since I was 18 - so I do love it. This is not a slam on teenagers, church leadership or horses.  If you are offended by anything written, please go and ask God to forgive you and help you develop a sense of humor. No animals or baby kittens were harmed in the production of today’s blog. Are you seriously still reading this? Maybe you should get back to work – that one was directed to me. Have a great day. - Tim  

Angelica lay in her bed shaking, with cold sweat beading on her head. Having just awakened, she noticed a semitransparent women standing at the foot of her bed. The woman was dressed in a white, glowing gown. Her hair and dress appeared to be flowing in a breeze despite the room being deathly calm. Her face was vacant and expressionless. She stood there, moaning, but not saying any audible words. Angelica did not know what to do. She did not believe in ghosts, but here she was, having an encounter with one…

Every October, my children have nightmares. They spend most of the year nightmare free, but October changes that. I blame Halloween. This is a difficult topic for me to address for two reasons:

1.       I am a writer who happens to pen novels based upon supernatural phenomenon

2.       I really like to have fun and love to eat candy

Keeping that in mind, I am not a fan of Halloween. There, I said it; you can now yell, ‘boo!’ and belt me with candy corn.

I know this is a bit of an oxymoron, so let me explain. Some of you reading will expect me to go into the history of Halloween and discuss the Druid cults and all the evil practices related to the holiday. If I go there, others will point out that both Christmas and Easter have direct ties to Druid holidays. All of this is true; however I am going to utilize different reasoning.

 If Halloween were simply a holiday where kids had fun, dressed up and got free candy, I would be an idiot to not celebrate it. Today, it’s way more than that; it has become a holiday based on fear. Remember how I mentioned my children’s nightmares? Caleb, my son, recently had one the night of our town’s homecoming parade. Why? A local haunted house, Chittyville School, decided to have some of their ghosts walk in the parade. Having a haunted house that people choose to come and see is one thing, taking it to a children’s parade is another story. Caleb was terrified by the ghouls and had nightmares. We can’t drive down the road without seeing tombstones, bloodied mannequins and various types of beasts. Children are very impressionable. They remember details that I quickly forget. These images become imprinted in their minds.

Fear is nothing to laugh about, especially a child’s fear.  Images of death, mutilation and murder should not be where children can see them. Honestly, those seem like strange things to celebrate anyway.  Although I grew up celebrating the holiday, we now choose to not celebrate Halloween. I don’t have a problem with other people celebrating it, I just don’t like for them to scare my children.

Finally, the story I started with is fictional. It does have some basis on reality. This morning I woke up at 4:00 dreaming I had seen a ghost. When I opened my eyes, I thought I could still seem something standing at the foot of my bed. As it turned out, the curtain was pulled back and light was streaming into the room, reflecting off the mirror near the foot of our bed. It’s funny how your mind can play tricks on you. Halloween decorations do still affect me and I still have nightmares sometimes. As an adult, they don’t terrify me like they do my son, but they can still be scary. This is not a letter to convince you to give up Halloween, its point is to remind you to think about others and do your best to not terrify children this Halloween. By the way, if you get too much candy, please share some with me. - Tim